Posts tagged parenting

Lately: 12 months 15 days

Remember that little Fisher Price shape sorting picnic basket Eleanor got for her birthday that she loves so much? It sings a few different songs, one of which goes,

“What shall we take on our picnic
Yummy things to eat
Mmm-mm!
Strawberries, apples and blueberries
And cheese
What a treat!”

She says “mmm” when she see food she wants to eat or is eating something really tasty, so she picked up on the “Mmm-mm” sound right away, and would repeat it just after it was sung, and then she learned how to do it with the song. Oh my gosh, it is so cute! She will bob her head, listening to the song, and then say “Mmm-mm!” right on time with the music. 

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101.4

Eleanor has her first real fever. This is the first time she has had a temperature above 99. I’m trying not to freak out. It started yesterday and lasted all day today, sort of coming and going thanks to Tylenol doses, but after I put her to bed tonight it really spiked.

She’s been in pretty good spirits, but hasn’t eaten anything more than a few crackers here and there since Thursday. Thank goodness she still is wanting to nurse a lot. Also on Thursday she developed a weird sore in her mouth that looked like a canker sore. I ran her to her doctor to take a look at it. She didn’t have a fever yet, but her doctor did mention it could be the beginning of Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease. Fun. Everything I’ve read says that the fever comes first followed by mouth sores, so I don’t know for certain, but it seems to fit, especially considering her lack of appetite.

I gave her a dose of Tylenol at 11 but she still feels so hot and I’m finding it hard to sleep. I just want to hold her and watch her sleep. I know she’ll be ok, but it’s really hard having a sick baby for the first time.

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The Night an Episode of Mad Men Caused Me to Have an Emotional Breakdown

When we finished watching “The Other Woman,” I got up out of bed to brush my teeth. Standing at the sink, ruminating on the episode, I started to cry. It wasn’t the emotional final scene between Don and Peggy that had upset me, but something deeper. While watching the show I kept wondering jealously what it would feel like to be that valued, to be a respected employee, the sort of person one made overtures to, the kind of person on the receiving in of a salary offer scribbled on a piece of paper. 

All of my life what I did had some sort of immediate value, whether it was in the form of an A on a test, a comment of praise from a professor scribbled on the margins of a paper, a paycheck, a kind word from a client. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I don’t have that anymore. There is no such thing as an A in diaper changing.

Last week I read an article in Slate about a study that showed that stay at home moms were more depressed than working mothers, and it really resonated with me. According to the author, it mostly came down to a lack of recognition. Caring for children is undervalued in society. That’s just how it is. But putting society’s attitudes aside, there is also the fact that being a parent also lacks any sort of timely gratification, the sort that comes from being a student or an employee. I have my child’s love, yes, but so do working mothers. She won’t even remember all that I do for her now. She would appreciate me just the same if I was at work and she was at daycare. I have the hope that my day to day efforts will yield the long term results of a healthy, happy, well adjusted adult, but that’s waiting twenty years for payday, and the results would likely be the same whether I was at home or not.

So why am I even doing it? Because I really want to. I want to be there with her, every day. I want to be the one feeding her lunch and pushing her on the swings. I don’t want to miss it all. But you know, it’s hard having nothing tangible to show for so much daily effort. It’s hard and it’s scary, because having taken this hiatus of being a full time parent, who knows if I will ever be able to find my way to gainful employment again, let alone become well respected, and above all, valued. That is what I really crave, knowing that I am valued.

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That awkward moment when…

You are on your hands and knees picking sticky food scraps up off of the floor after your baby ceremoniously threw them from her high chair tray to signify that she is done with lunch, and you find yourself saying out loud to her and her yogurt covered face, “I went to college, you know, ” in a vain attempt to regain some of your dignity.

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Eleanor’s 12 Month Update

I’m one week and one day late, but I had so much birthday stuff to post! So here it goes.

Size: She is 21 lbs 8 oz and 30 inches tall, holding steady in the 75% percentile for both. She fits well into 12-18th month sized tops, but has really long legs and needs 18-24 month sized pants. She wears a size 4 shoe.

Mobility: She isn’t walking yet. I’m not sure when she will start. She doesn’t even seem to be particularly close, but that’s ok. She crawls really fast and cruises around on the furniture like a pro. I’m sure she’ll get there soon enough. 

Language: I swear she picks up a new word every day. It’s incredible. So far she says mama, daddy, kitty, hi, baby, tickle, ball, hat, shoes, eye, utoh, puffs, wawa (water), wow, that, and can combine them into very simple phrases like “Hi daddy!” and “Mama, wawa?” She understands so much as well. She is great at following verbal instructions and knows the names of a lot of her toys. She is still using several signs, but talking has definitely taken over.

Personality: Eleanor was always a shy, serious baby, but lately she is starting to become so friendly! Often she will say “hi” to strangers and wave, especially if they say “hi” and wave first, where before if a stranger paid her any attention it would make her turn away and hide her face. She’s very affectionate and loves to give hugs and kisses. When we are playing on the floor she will crawl over to me, stand up, and give me the biggest hug with her arms around my neck. She also loved to hug her cousin when we were visiting him, but their interactions made me realize she is definitely on the sensitive side. If he was at all rough with her, or even just touched her too much or in a way she didn’t like she would immediately tear up and cry in a really dramatic fashion. She is trying to be more brave though. Lately if she gets hurt she will think about it for a second, pout, and give me this look as if she is trying really hard not to cry before she gives in to the tears.

Food: In the last few days it seems like she has really turned a corner with eating. Before she would have some days where she ate well and some where she just threw everything on the floor, but lately she has been consistently eating almost everything I give her. Right now some of her favorite foods are grapes, blueberries, macaroni and cheese, yogurt, cheese, and turkey. Her favorite snacks are veggie straws and puffs. 

Horrid Things: She has always hated to get her diaper changed, but lately she has figured out that she can thwart my efforts by twisting around and trying to stand up on the changing table. Every change is now a mini wrestling match. I try keeping fun toys on the table, singing songs, distracting her by giving her tasks, but sometimes none of that works. It’s not that big of a deal if she’s just wet, but if it’s a poopy diaper….yeah. Let’s not even go there. She has also entered that phase of her life where she has a perpetual runny nose, between minor colds and teething. Yuck.

Great Things: There are so many of them. One that I am particularly thankful for is that she is really well behaved when we are out. She does great in her stroller, even for extended periods of time, and she is easy to take to restaurants. She sits nicely in her high hair and nibbles on food while checking out all of the new faces. Another is that she is starting to really show an interest in toys after not really caring about them for her entire life. She got so many fun new ones for her birthday. I love to sit with her at watch her learn how to interact with them, and it also helps my days go by a little easier when there is something other than me that can entertain her.

Favorite Things: She loves purses and wallets. My mom gave her an old wallet and some used gift cards which she loves to pull out. We got her a Fisher Price purse for her birthday that comes with lots of little accessories that she loves to take out and put back in. Another birthday gift which has been a huge hit is this Fisher Price shape sorting picnic basket. Both toys have handles so in addition to playing with them she enjoys simply putting them on her arm and carrying them around.  


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Mom Confession #7

I have huge regrets about the decisions I made regarding Eleanor’s nap times. She is totally incapable of napping in her crib, it is my fault, and it’s making me feel like a complete failure as a mother.

When she was little I held or wore her during her naps because I liked cuddling with her. As she got older we moved to her napping on our bed. I would nurse her to sleep laying down and usually say in bed with her for the majority of the nap, reading or playing around online. I could get up and do things and she could sleep without me, but I stayed there because I didn’t want her to wake up and crawl off the bed.

Now I really, really need her to nap in her crib. She’s so mobile that she doesn’t fall asleep well laying on the bed. She has to be rocked. Then she needs to let me lay her down and leave her in her crib. The first hurdle was getting her to stay asleep after laying her down. She gradually got used to it. So now she stays asleep through the transition, but will only sleep in her crib for 20 minutes tops. Usually it’s more like five minutes. The only way I can get her to actually take a decent nap these days is to hold her the entire time. I haven’t even ever heard of a baby her age who still needs to be held in order to nap. I can’t help but think “What have I done?”

I am so frustrated. I’ve always tried to simply do whatever I need to do to make sleep a non-issue, but now my passivity is really backfiring. I wish I could go back in time and get her used to napping in her crib when she was a newborn…but it isn’t like I didn’t try. She would just cry and wake up, and in the early days I just wanted to do whatever I had to do to get her to sleep. I kept telling myself as she got older she would just naturally start accepting the nap-in-crib situation. Boy was I wrong. She naps fine in her stroller and in her car seat, so I know she is capable of napping on her own, but she just won’t do it. 

I don’t even have any strategies to remedy the situation. I’ve tried waiting a few minutes to see if she will settle herself and go back to sleep. I’ve tried patting her back. I’ve tried sitting in her room so that when she wakes up she knows even though she is in her crib she isn’t alone. I’m at my wit’s end over this. 

So there you have it. I ruined my baby’s ability to nap like a normal one year old and I feel like a terrible mom because of it. 

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Eleanor’s First Year

I’ve been working on this during nap times for several weeks now. It’s a compilation of photos, at least one from every week of her first year of life, and a few video clips. I’ve watched it countless times while editing it, and I still tear up when it gets to the end.

It’s so true. It really does go by so fast. And there isn’t such thing as taking too many pictures. I have over 1,500 from her first 12 months, and I wish I had double that. She has grown and changed so much.

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Ellie has had a rough morning, you guys.
She had to wake up early even though she really wanted to sleep. She was really cranky and didn’t eat any breakfast. She didn’t want to play and so had to hang out in the Ergo while I did my makeup and fixed my hair, where she dozed a bit before being rudely woken up again. She really didn’t want to have her diaper changed or to get dressed. And what was it all for? A darn doctor’s appointment.
She likes her doctor a lot so the first part was fine, but then she had to get two shots. The worse was still to come. We had to make our way down to the lab for some blood work. The lab was really busy so we had to sit in the waiting room, where she snacked on veggie straws and sipped her water like an angel. Then we got called back. She smiled and said “Hi” to the phlebotomist, but started crying as soon as that awful rubber tourniquet was on her arm. That phlebotomist couldn’t find her vein, so she had to call someone else in. That one couldn’t find it either, so they called yet another, all the while taking the tourniquet on and off both arms. When they finally got around to putting in the needle she was already so upset that she was bright red, shaking, and could barely catch her breath. After they were done it took her a really long time to calm down. She was just so sad, and of course it made me so sad too. She would stop crying and take these long, shaky, sniffly breaths, then think back to the horrible experience and start crying again. It took her over a half an hour to finally feel ok, and that’s even with lots of cuddles and nursing. My poor little girl.  

Ellie has had a rough morning, you guys.

She had to wake up early even though she really wanted to sleep. She was really cranky and didn’t eat any breakfast. She didn’t want to play and so had to hang out in the Ergo while I did my makeup and fixed my hair, where she dozed a bit before being rudely woken up again. She really didn’t want to have her diaper changed or to get dressed. And what was it all for? A darn doctor’s appointment.

She likes her doctor a lot so the first part was fine, but then she had to get two shots. The worse was still to come. We had to make our way down to the lab for some blood work. The lab was really busy so we had to sit in the waiting room, where she snacked on veggie straws and sipped her water like an angel. Then we got called back. She smiled and said “Hi” to the phlebotomist, but started crying as soon as that awful rubber tourniquet was on her arm. That phlebotomist couldn’t find her vein, so she had to call someone else in. That one couldn’t find it either, so they called yet another, all the while taking the tourniquet on and off both arms. When they finally got around to putting in the needle she was already so upset that she was bright red, shaking, and could barely catch her breath. After they were done it took her a really long time to calm down. She was just so sad, and of course it made me so sad too. She would stop crying and take these long, shaky, sniffly breaths, then think back to the horrible experience and start crying again. It took her over a half an hour to finally feel ok, and that’s even with lots of cuddles and nursing. My poor little girl.  

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So I recently did something that every woman hates to do. I went shopping for a new swimsuit. Worse even, I went shopping for my first post-baby swimsuit. Days later I come to Tumblr and find it all a buzz with talk of positive body image, mombods, and swimsuits. I couldn’t resist jumping in.

Before I had a baby, even though I was thinner and more toned, I wouldn’t have been caught dead in a swimsuit. I haven’t had what most magazines would consider a “beach ready body” since I was probably 18, and I was too ashamed of my tummy and thighs to be seen that close to naked in public. In fact the last two times I went to the beach, I wore bermuda shorts and tank tops. 

We have a beach trip coming up in just a few weeks, and I considered doing the old shorts-shirt thing, but having a baby has made me much braver. I decided to find a suit that made this mombod look as best it can and just rock it without consequence. I want to have fun at the beach, dammit! Who cares what strangers think of me? Who cares that I’m not perfect and skinny? This body grew, birthed, and nursed a baby, and it will never be the same because of that beautiful miracle.

#swimsuitsforbagel and swimsuits for moms everywhere!

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Eleanor’s First Year: Birth - 5 Months

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