Assume the Perpendicular

Eleanor has her first real fever. This is the first time she has had a temperature above 99. I’m trying not to freak out. It started yesterday and lasted all day today, sort of coming and going thanks to Tylenol doses, but after I put her to bed tonight it really spiked.

She’s been in pretty good spirits, but hasn’t eaten anything more than a few crackers here and there since Thursday. Thank goodness she still is wanting to nurse a lot. Also on Thursday she developed a weird sore in her mouth that looked like a canker sore. I ran her to her doctor to take a look at it. She didn’t have a fever yet, but her doctor did mention it could be the beginning of Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease. Fun. Everything I’ve read says that the fever comes first followed by mouth sores, so I don’t know for certain, but it seems to fit, especially considering her lack of appetite.

I gave her a dose of Tylenol at 11 but she still feels so hot and I’m finding it hard to sleep. I just want to hold her and watch her sleep. I know she’ll be ok, but it’s really hard having a sick baby for the first time.

When we finished watching “The Other Woman,” I got up out of bed to brush my teeth. Standing at the sink, ruminating on the episode, I started to cry. It wasn’t the emotional final scene between Don and Peggy that had upset me, but something deeper. While watching the show I kept wondering jealously what it would feel like to be that valued, to be a respected employee, the sort of person one made overtures to, the kind of person on the receiving in of a salary offer scribbled on a piece of paper. 

All of my life what I did had some sort of immediate value, whether it was in the form of an A on a test, a comment of praise from a professor scribbled on the margins of a paper, a paycheck, a kind word from a client. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I don’t have that anymore. There is no such thing as an A in diaper changing.

Last week I read an article in Slate about a study that showed that stay at home moms were more depressed than working mothers, and it really resonated with me. According to the author, it mostly came down to a lack of recognition. Caring for children is undervalued in society. That’s just how it is. But putting society’s attitudes aside, there is also the fact that being a parent also lacks any sort of timely gratification, the sort that comes from being a student or an employee. I have my child’s love, yes, but so do working mothers. She won’t even remember all that I do for her now. She would appreciate me just the same if I was at work and she was at daycare. I have the hope that my day to day efforts will yield the long term results of a healthy, happy, well adjusted adult, but that’s waiting twenty years for payday, and the results would likely be the same whether I was at home or not.

So why am I even doing it? Because I really want to. I want to be there with her, every day. I want to be the one feeding her lunch and pushing her on the swings. I don’t want to miss it all. But you know, it’s hard having nothing tangible to show for so much daily effort. It’s hard and it’s scary, because having taken this hiatus of being a full time parent, who knows if I will ever be able to find my way to gainful employment again, let alone become well respected, and above all, valued. That is what I really crave, knowing that I am valued.

You are on your hands and knees picking sticky food scraps up off of the floor after your baby ceremoniously threw them from her high chair tray to signify that she is done with lunch, and you find yourself saying out loud to her and her yogurt covered face, “I went to college, you know, ” in a vain attempt to regain some of your dignity.

I’ve been asked to write a post about flying with a 12 mont old, so here it goes!

First off, although I’ve flown with Eleanor several times now, I am no expert and every child is different, so what I say might not actually be helpful to anyone else. I’m also really lucky because the only flying we have done with Eleanor is the quick two hour flights between Phoenix and Oakland. That being said, I did have a few strategies, based mostly on what I have read from other blogs. 

Strategy #1: Novelty. I bought two new books, which were a great way to keep Eleanor entertained. She doesn’t really like playing with toys at this point in her life, but she loves books. I kept them put away until the flight so they would be totally novel. Dear Zoo was the biggest hit. It has flaps to lift which helped keep the pace of reading slower, held her attention, and helped keep me sane despite having to read it dozens of times on both flights. I also bought a new snack at the airport for her to munch on while we flew, an apple turnover and a cinnamon rasin bagel. I was hoping a sweet treat that I wouldn’t normally give her would keep her quiet, and they worked pretty well.

Strategy #2: Old Favorites. I brought a few of her favorite books and snacks as well, and made sure to have a sippy cup full of water. She likes her cup in general, but I think having it to suck on helped her ears (we use the straw kind).

Strategy #3: Pray for naps. I always book flights during her usual nap time in the hope that she will sleep. She dozed a bit on both flights which was a big help.

Strategy #4: Do what you gotta do. You can’t be afraid of embarrassing yourself or looking dumb, you just have to do whatever it takes to keep your baby happy. I read books over and over again in silly voices. I nursed often without a cover. I bounced her wildly on my knee. I sang songs. I made animal noises. I figured those sitting around me would rather hear “The Itsy Bitsy Spider” and a few rounds of “Barnyard Dance” than frustrated screaming.

The only other tips I have are to change your baby’s diaper just before boarding, sit in the back of the plane with the other kids and parents (safety in numbers), do not order an in-flight drink or accept packets of peanuts (you don’t need any other things to manage or try to keep out of your baby’s hands), remember that pulling things out of the seatback pocket can be really fun (safety cards, Skymall, toys), and think ahead about the sort of activities your child enjoys doing that will be a distraction during the flight.

For getting through the airport we went with the Ergo rather than the stroller since the stroller becomes yet another piece of luggage to deal with. We didn’t bring her carseat and didn’t bother buying her a ticket since she is young enough to sit on our laps, but if you can afford a ticket for your child the extra room would really be helpful. 

Good luck!